Phew What A Scorcher!

The Freedom of the press

This is not the freedom to tell the truth, but the freedom to ruin your shit. Allow me to explain. By your I mean the average newspaper reader. A bumbling buffoon writing in a national newspaper recently caused an uproar by accusing the entire city of Liverpool of inappropriate emotional behaviour. In an act that demonstrated a supreme lack of belief in anything that he had written, the buffoon agreed, on the orders of his political masters, to go to the city and be butt fucked by the entire populace. But, being an old Etonian and quite used to this sort of thing, it was decided that this would not be much of a penance.

Still he travelled to the city, with his shit in ruins, to be shouted and swore at by the local, mainly illiterate, unwashed masses. One inadvertently challenging question put to him by a wholly inarticulate specimen was

'What gives you the right to say that about us?'

What gives him the right to say it is freedom of speech, and if you do not like it fuck off back to North Korea where brutal suppression of the individual is appreciated. (This is in fact my favourite response to any red necked, or even slightly right of centre, opinion. If you are being addressed by a trendy socialist replace North Korea with [President's name]'s USA). A better question would have been

'What gives you the right to say it in a national newspaper?'

He has that right because he is an old Etonian who has greased his way up to editing an unreadable rag. The follow up question then is

'How do I get to have my equally worthless and vile opinions published on nationally distributed toilet paper?'

The answer to which is, you don't. You did not go to the right school, you do not have family connections in big business, you are not a toadying lickspittle in the government, you do not get to be heard.

It is upon this crux that the complete fallacy of the freedom of speech argument hangs. To say something controversial and not be persecuted by the baton wielding instruments of government repression is an inalienable right. But only a very few get to voice their innuendo and propaganda in a forum that reaches all the population. A medium that is advertised and aggressively marketed in every supermarket, newsagent, corner shop and kiosk in every single city, town, village and hamlet in the country. More people in this country have access to the complete range of Fleet Street dailies than to the internet. Though it is true that after a particularly messy shit you can not wipe your arse on the internet, unless you want it completely ruined as well as messy.

Bear in mind that the majority of the British press is owned by foreigners who neither reside nor pay any tax in this country. To get anything you have written into a British newspaper, tabloid or broadsheet, the opinions voiced therein must be a reflection of and serve the same political ends of the foreign capitalists that own and control our press. Newspapers do not even report the news, they only pass the opinions of their masters upon it, embellishing it with lies and exaggerations until it no longer even resembles the facts. This is not freedom of speech but an Orwellian stifling of free will. All you will read in newspapers is what the Big Brother capitalists want you to read.

The solution to this problem is simple. Instead of allowing a poisonous and self-serving minority sole access to the written word, allow nobody. Ban all newspapers from publication until they can learn to report the news instead of trying to make it. That way more people will read interesting web pages like this one.